Girl, You're Only a Child...

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1

I have definitely been a little under the weather lately since my last job. This time i was trying to focus on myself and do things i enjoyed. Turns out that means reading autobiographies and seeing Jeff Goldblum play piano and going to drag bingo with my mom and enjoying a giraffe kiddie pool with Bo and doing all kinds of silly things with Will and Hannah and finally watching every show i’ve heard was amazing.

Yesterday i was offered a costume assisting job for the first time in a year, hell, maybe even two! I always thought it would be a step back on this journey, but i changed my mind knowing i needed to branch out. I also desperately wanted to see someone else doing what i do. How they do it. 

It’s amazing the difference i feel and i’m not even getting paid. I’m so lucky.

I came to this realization tonight, laying in my bed, in the dark. Biggie is king of the castle hogging all of the blanket to make his sleepy-time fort, as well as being in the smack dab middle of the bed/my legs so that i have to kick over his head to change positions. As i’m trying to get to sleep, all i can hear are the sounds of my neighbors enjoying themselves. Playing mariachi music, joking loudly in spanish. Then i notice a fly won’t leave me alone, and the sound of a very enthusiastic cricket. I feel that oh-so-common angry knot forming in my temples. I couldn’t stop but think ‘oh how nice of you to be enjoying your Monday night so LOUDLY. Some of us have to be up early for work!’ 

And then it hit me

I live for what i do. Sometimes I hate it, but i LIVE for it.

I wouldn’t hate it if it wasn’t important to me.

<3

Just realized I’m less attracted to guys afer they tell a bad joke…. Oops.

Mom came over to my apartment. She always stresses me out, trying to rearrange my stuff. This time I just sat in the living room reading and let her do the dishes. Haha.
I need to appreciate my mom doing my dishes and ignore the rest.

Just finished reading Pryor Convictions: And Other Life Sentences. 

It’s a new favorite.

Do you think it’s a sign that the ‘delete’ button on my laptop is starting to go? 

It’s that feeling you get when all you want is one cigarette and you know you won’t be able to get your hands on one.

History is repeating itself again, but that is life.

There was an interesting time in my life when i cut out everything that was causing me unnecessary stress. People, Things, Hair. It was glorious.

Now, I’m trapped in a place that’s the exact opposite. I want to shake things up again, burn bridges, try something new. I can’t, or i somehow believe i can’t. I’ve lost confidence in the thing i was proud of the most. My work, my work ethic, being a team player. I know i did the best i could with what i was given but i am always aware that it could’ve been better. I simply didn’t know how. I’m just waiting for her to blow up in my face. Or for someone to find out I am a fraud.

I know this isn’t what i want to be doing for the rest of my life.

I have had a nice run but i need to start ripping off bandages. 

We gotta get outta this place.

I’ve been a bit under the weather mentally. I’ve recently come into contact with a lot of piss poor attitudes, negativity and a sprinkle of self-doubt. Tumblr is usually my place to vent but i haven’t utilized it in a while. I don’t feel like spreading this feeling so instead i’m going to list the places i’d like to go this summer. Then i will organize, hold an open forum with Biggie, and figure out which ones i will actually accomplish! Ready? 

GO!

#1 - Camping (Level - Easy/$)

camping

This will require beer, buying/stealing a tent, a fire pit, and a lake i can swim in. The other option is having a picnic at the hot springs in Ohai. (But i’d rather get away for a few days.) BONUS: I have never been camping.

#2 - Vegas (Level - Easy/$$)

I already have plans for Vegas with Bo!!! WOOOOT. If neither of us end up flaking then it’ll be pool parties 24/7. Which sounds perfect. Bo made the night time pool club sound awesome. It’d be nice to get ‘Team Ho’ (Heather + Bo) back in business. We’ve been too responsible lately!!

#3 - San Diego - (Easy/$)

After the perfect night i had with Will and his gaggle on Monday, this sounds like a wonderful adventure!!! Just the weekend, loud personalities and lots of awkward shoulder dancing. BONUS: No hotel room fees and My nearest and dearest Will. We haven’t gotten to see each other as much i had hoped!!! This would be wonderful.

#4 - Madonna Inn/Solvang - (Medium/$$)

This would be a great road trip/girls weekend. Drive up early and spend the afternoon in Solvang. Then spend the weekend in the kitschy heaven that is Madonna Inn. I’ve wanted to go to both these places since FOREVER. 

#5 - New York - (Hard/$$$)

I’m starting to get my New Orleans itch for New York City. (That sentence makes sense to me). It will probably end up being one of those spur of the moment ‘gotta get the eff out of this place’ freak out vacations. New Orleans was one of the greatest experiences of my life but i think New York is a different ball game. I would need a partner in crime for this, which is likely to get difficult. I hate waiting and depending on other people for stuff like this. I just want to get out and go. Traveling alone is amazing and i suggest that everyone do it at least once. Being happy experiencing life on your own is an amazing feeling. :)

Just for good measure i’m going to throw in some wild cards!!

#6 - Chicago - (medium/$$) 

Would love to check in on the family in Chicago. Get in touch with some Dad memories. This trip definitely won’t happen this summer. The winter is more likely. A snow filled winter would be a dream. I would love to adventure a bit more in the city. Might have to convince Bo to join me. She’d be able to handle if i got emotional haha.

#7 - England - (hard/$$$)

I always want to go back. I’ve always hated not having family in LA. Being in England is a whole different experience. There’s family everywhere, and they’re all in different stages of life. I love it, fighting and all! :) and if i got to see John while he’s in town, well that would top the charts!!!! I would avoid drinking pints of whiskey with andrew this time, although i’d love to watch him try again! I miss my family.

#8 - Austrailia - (hard/$$$)

This trip won’t happen for a couple years. I’d love to visit Don and check out John’s swinging pad. I may bring home a pet koala, but only if he can live on donuts.

#9 - Greece - (Nope/$$$$$)

I need to see Greece. I need to drink with old Greek men and laugh and hear their stories. Well this really needs to happen everywhere i go… 

I think that’s it for now. 

My heart/head already feel better.

<3

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sailorv:

new year’s resolution 2013

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devoureth:

Women and gentlemen, take note. [x]

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searchingforknowledge:

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searchingforknowledge:

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visual-volume:

So, as much as it pains me to say it, I was forced to give in to the very concept I said I wouldn’t allow myself to be a victim of. Two nights ago, my boss faced me with a choice. Told me that if I couldn’t fit all of my super thick hair, pulled back, into one of their tiny ass company hats, then I wouldn’t be able to come in for my next shift & stay employed by his business. So as a result, my physical image has now shifted into a product of modern opinionated eurocentric judgemental standards. 

3 whole years of progress buzzed onto the floor.

Rent has to get paid.

Simple as that.

:(

DAMN that sucks. Fucking white ppl

Sigh.

this is why white people can’t have dreadlocks

bolded

or call their hair afro

What the fuck does this have to do with white people? That’s really small minded. I am actually offended by this.

Reblogged 1 year ago from u-took-2-long-now-ur-candys-gone

Human beings are fascinating creatures.

I just had the realization that we’re born to lie to ourselves. We’re born to edit our own memories to prove ourselves right. No one else in the world has any idea what they’re doing or what is truth and right. (Read ‘You Are Not So Smart’)

I watched this documentary on Albert Fish. The people were trying to make sense of him. Not even Albert himself could explain why he loved taking part in such vile things. HE SHOVED NEEDLES INTO HIS OWN BODY. These scientists can’t explain him, and he can’t explain himself. Who are we to blame? Knowing the difference between right and wrong, having horrific sexual cravings. We’re all just monkeys jerking off because it feels good. It comes down to being so simple. Yet some people are somehow born with these ‘abnormal’ things being the only way they can make themselves happy. We’re all just fighting for ourselves to be fulfilled and happy. Society has gone and added a bunch of ridiculous ideas of what exactly makes us happy. Money comes into play, and ego, fear, & humiliation. Our already impossible task of understanding ourselves and finding our own happiness has just been put in a blender and shot into space. We waste so much time learning not to listen to others instead of learning about ourselves and then we find ourselves wondering why no one understands us? Or why arn’t there other people with my beliefs, or interests? 

This might be quite the jump, - Albert Fish/Heather Karasek

But i feel better knowing that no one else understands me.

It really put me at ease. I feel better.

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funnyordie:

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